Breathe

She stands in wonder at the geese that are flying overhead. Stops with mouth wide open, eyes wide, and frozen in her tracks. I still get excited when I see Canadian Geese and I was excited to introduce her to this feeling. I wanted to capture the "newness" of this for her when she becomes "tainted" to all the other things that happen in this world. Geese overhead? Oh, thats great. Let's go to the store. Not in that moment.

Going to see Santa and she is standing tall and grasping her list. "Mom, can you go up there with me and sit beside me? Yes honey." As much as I want her to be independent I don't know that I am ever ready for her to do something and NOT ask for me. To not ask for me when going into a new situation. To not ask for me when she walks into first grade, into second grade, into middle school, and into high school. I am not ready. I walk into school this afternoon and she is playing with two of her little gal friends. "Let's pretend that we are reading a book and then trade. Okay?" So she flips through the book, pretending like she is reading, gets to the end, and proclaims "This is a great book, you should read it! O.K. Switch!" I smile and wonder will she always play this well with others, will she always have such a great imagination, will she always have her love of reading?

Everyday she grows up and everyday those moments I capture get older and are replaced with newer. I want to freeze time, I want Emma to know how much I love her, how hard I will work to keep her safe and happy. I want for her to always remember the geese, the parking lot, and her breath in the cold air- as I always will.

Got Fair?

Gosh.. I just reread that blog from so very long ago. Was tempted to delete it, but just like I cannot delete times from my life I choose not to delete the entry.

This morning was crazy. As I was on my way to the job fair there were a million thoughts racing through my head. This is all I have ever wanted. I have spent the last ten years of my life methodically chipping away at this goal. A goal that sometimes cost me relationships, a goal that has had the power to change who I was then and who I am going to be very soon. Good and bad, of course. I almost gave up this past summer when I realized I would be teaching and not able to work and the consequences that would accompany that decision. I decided to go for it, to go big or stay home, ha ha, and went for it. I could not give up a goal I was so close to. I could not let anyone or anything stop me. I have to be the person that shows Emma Roo you get what you work for, no matter how hard the work is.

Getting dressed this morning was like "suiting up." (Thank you Barney..) Building this exterior that I thought would be what people wanted to see, when I all want from them is to see my interior and see how this is all I have ever wanted. That next to being a mom, this is one of the most important events in my life.

So, here I am "suited up," driving way too fast down 695, and nothing was what it seems. I am driving to my future, too fast, but figuring I would meet it all head on, just as I have every other event of my life. Maintain speed, even though there are road blocks, don't make too many changes because that doesn't get you where you need to. Adjust. Be patient. My radio is blaring, of course, and of course I have to analyze the song.

Because-of course you realize by now- I over analyze everything.

It is the Adam Lambert song Whataya Want From Me? and that was it. "Don't give up, don't give in, Whataya want from me?" I haven't given up. I wanted to so many times. Especially when things got hard after the separation and I was hurting so bad and trying to act like I was just fine. I was trying to put on my big girl panties and deal.. But god damn I wanted to sulk, cry, beat up things, beat up people, scream and stomp and hide. I didn't (at least not in public) :o) When I was working 6 days a week, playing mom, 4 and 5 classes, the homework that accompanies those classes, keeping house, maintaining and building relationships. Exhausting. All of it. But, I remained strong for Roo and for my family around me, and just did. I had to.

Whataya want from me? I have done the schooling. I got the experience. I got the heart and the soul and enough passion to fuel a few tankers. This is what you are going to get from me, if this is whataya want from me..

And so I did. I went. I conquered. I sat straight and tall, answered questions, shook hands, smiled, and soaked it in. Live in the moment Amanda. Think about what you say before you say it and be yourself. If they don't like it, it is not a working relationship that is met to be. Five people later I walked out confident. Email this person this paperwork and we will get a list of principals out to you. Complete this and we will begin your journey at Baltimore County Public Schools.

So, if you know me.. You will know I have not seen many movies, and fewer musicals. I dislike television, and dislike movies.. Probably more.. . . But I wanted to be every scene you have ever seen in every bad movie….(Note the scene/seen. A million dollars to the first one who can tell me what those words are.. Ha ha)

Anyhow.. I wanted for clouds to part, singing animals rustle all around me, as I sing in a high soprano, (falsetto really) voice, my beautiful gown swinging in large elegant circles around me as I dance and celebrate. (Sounds like a Disney movie I may or may not have seen a million times…. Ha ha)

However, the animals stayed in, it was still overcast and cold, and my slacks didn't really twirl quite the way I wished. However, I may or may not have broken into the running man beside the Jeep. I will never tell.

Amidst all this chaos and joy, my morning was filled with a number of texts from someone from my past. A reminder of the things and the people that can hold you back and the confusion they can cause. Thank goodness I am at a good point in my life, because had those texts been a year or so ago.. I would have been beside myself. I try not to overanalyze them….but that is me. I am Ms. Analytical. Have you met me? I have tried for a number of months to stop……I'm doing much better…. But you can't help who you are. Why these texts? Why now? Why ever? You lose the ability to have these discussions with me when you made the decision you did. So I compartmentalize and decide to leave that whole "issue" (proper word anyone?) alone and chalk one up to … oh who knows what the hell I chalk it up too. I digress, I move on. It won't be the last time the texts occur and it surely wasn't the first.

So, my crazy day in a small analytical blog for you to consume. Fun, huh?

Manda